


The one with the sexy witch, bratty boi & white haired god

by Stinastar



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Geralt is a responsible driver, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg Friendship, Horny, Horseback riding coach Geralt, I'm sorry I fucked up the order of the tags and don't want to redo them, Jaskier | Dandelion & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg Friendship, M/M, Past Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Past Jaskier | Dandelion/Valdo Marx, Personal Trainer Geralt, Texting, he's a dink, we still don't like Valdo, woe is me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:42:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27266653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stinastar/pseuds/Stinastar
Summary: Modern AU with texting and lots of banter. Geralt & Jaskier fake dating & horniness, Yenn & Jaskier are best friends, past Yenn/Geralt, past Jaskier/Valdo.I hope the formatting worked out, it took a lot of fussing and of course it changed when I entered it here and I fussed some more.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Jaskier | Dandelion & Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Jaskier | Dandelion/Valdo Marx
Comments: 10
Kudos: 113





	The one with the sexy witch, bratty boi & white haired god

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ElectricRituals](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElectricRituals/gifts).



> Fake dating geraskier prompt from electricrituals 😘

(Jaskier & Yennefer)

Text sent to Sexy Witch:

  * Yen, I need a favour



~~

Text to Bratty Boi:

  * 😒😒



~~

  * A big one



~~

  * 🙄 
  * What do you want Jaskier



~~

  * You know that friend of yours
  * Built like a small mountain
  * Communicates in grunts
  * Is welcome to jelly my donut any day, any time…



~~

  * Dear gods, please stop
  * You mean my ex, Geralt?



~~

  * Is he though? Your ex? I mean, on again, off again, friends with benefits, does that really qualify as an ex…



~~

  * Get to the point or I am blocking your number
  * Aren’t you trying to ask for a favour? Shouldn’t you be buttering me up?



~~

  * Do you think there’s a way I could bribe him to be my fake boyfriend for a night?



~~

  * …



~~

  * I’m not sure what to do with that. Use your words, Yennefer. 



~~

  * …



~~

  * YENNEFER



~~

  * What’s in it for me?



~~

  * You’ll bribe him for me?



~~

  * I’ll ask him for you _and_ you will bribe him. What’s in it for me?



~~

  * Tickets to Essi’s next show and a bottle of your favourite red?



~~

  * …fine
  * Do I want to ask why?



~~

  * I have to go to an industry event



~~

  * And…



~~

  * And Valdo will be there
  * And the last time I saw him he wouldn’t leave me alone. And he still drunk texts me. 



~~

  * And Geralt fits into this how?



~~

  * Well… I thought if Valdo saw me with a handsome man who’s built like an ox, he might be intimidated and back off



~~

  * Just tell him to fuck off, Jaskier



~~

  * I HAVE, Yen. He’s persistent. He’s like a dog with a bone.
  * A rat after trash
  * No wait



~~

  * HAHAHA no I think you hit the nail on the head



~~

  * 😒😒😒
  * Moving on. Will you please ask him for me? What bribe is required for a favour from a living god? Virgin sacrifice? Goats blood?



~~

  * 🙄🙄
  * A case of beer and tickets to a show? I don’t know. Ask the man yourself.
  * I’ll ask him. If he’s down, I’ll give him your number.



~~

  * Thank youuuu!! 
  * Goddess of my life
  * Beauty of our great city
  * Witch of wonder



~~

  * Shut up Jaskier 



~~

  * Love you too! 😘



———

(Jaskier & Geralt)

Text from White Haired God:

  * Hey, it’s Yennefer’s friend Geralt. She gave me your number
  * Something about pretending to be your boyfriend at some event in exchange for beer and concert tickets? 



~~

  * Yes! Hi, Geralt! Would you mind terribly? There will be drinks and hilariously small hors-d’oeuvres. 



~~

  * Sure, why not
  * When?



~~

  * This Friday



~~

  * Yen said you don’t drive. Want me to pick you up?



~~

  * That would be lovely! You’re a dear. Is 6:15 alright with you? 
  * I’ll send you my address
  * Business casual should do



———

(Geralt & Yennefer)

Text to Yen:

  * Yen what is business casual
  * What do I wear to this thing



~~

  * Since when do you even care
  * You showed up to my cousin’s wedding in ripped jeans



~~

  * I said I was sorry



~~

  * There was mud on your boots from visiting Roach



~~

  * I’m sorry Yen



~~

  * You showed up to a family brunch once in your gym gear



~~

  * I AM SORRY YEN. I was shitty and everything was my fault
  * You are a goddess
  * We good now?
  * What the fuck is business casual
  * I take it ripped jeans and farm boots are a no



~~

  * You like him



~~

  * You know what, I’ll just google it



~~

  * I don’t know why. I thought you found him annoying
  * He doesn’t shut up
  * You hate chit chat



~~

  * So nice talking to you Yennefer



~~

  * Wear that charcoal henley I got you. Those black jeans you got with Triss, as long as you haven’t ruined them, and a nice belt. Those dress shoes you wouldn’t stop moaning about. You know. The only nice footwear you own.



~~

  * Thanks Yen



———

Jaskier opened the passenger-side door of Geralt’s truck and took a second to drink in the view before climbing up into his seat. He was used to Geralt wearing ripped jeans and an old t-shirt, hanging around Yennefer’s house or at a pub. He’d never had reason to see him dressed up, and the dark henley the man was wearing was showing off those gloriously thick biceps beautifully.

“Hi, nice to see you! Thanks for doing this favour for me.” Jaskier said as he buckled his seatbelt.

“Sure, nice to see you too. So, what exactly is this event we’re going to?” Geralt asked, trying not to ogle his companion as he started up the truck. Jaskier was wearing dark dress pants and a cornflower-blue collared shirt that perfectly matched his eyes underneath a light grey blazer. His eyes seemed to sparkle, it was horribly distracting.

“Music industry event. People trying to impress each-other and seem important. Booze and teasingly small hors-d’oeuvres. We might want to hit a drive-through afterwards.”

Geralt snorted.

“And I am coming because…?”

Jaskier sighed.

“My ex will be there. He hasn’t quite accepted that things are over and has been very… persistent.”

Geralt furrowed his brow.

“And you thought I’d scare him off.”

“I hope as much, yes!” Jaskier smiled at him.

———

Jaskier sucked in a breath and grabbed Geralt’s hand, giving him a nervous smile before pushing through the door of the venue. Geralt gave his hand a quick squeeze. Once they walked through the door it was like a switch flipped, and Jaskier turned up by 40%: charm and jokes and winks. Geralt mostly stood silently by his side as Jaskier schmoozed and chatted with people, nodding and humming when the conversation called for it. He very slowly nursed one drink as he planned on driving home at the end of the night.

A little ways into the evening Geralt noticed Jaskier tense up, his hand twitching where it still clung to Geralt’s. Geralt glanced over at him, then followed his stare to the man approaching them through the crowd.

“The ex?” He murmured to Jaskier.

“Mmm” Jaskier hummed in agreement.

“Julian!” The man exclaimed with a big smile. Geralt looked questioning at Jaskier. Julian?

“Valdo.” Jaskier replied without any of the energy he’d been showing earlier in the evening. “Let me introduce you to my boyfriend Geralt.”

Valdo’s eyes widened slightly as he looked Geralt up and down, then glanced to Jaskier before looking back to Geralt again.

“Well, ah, nice to meet you, Gerald.” He said, offering his hand to shake.

“Ger _alt_.” Jaskier said crisply, emphasizing the T.

Geralt took the proffered hand and shook it, giving it perhaps a slightly stronger than necessary squeeze. He hummed in response. Valdo withdrew his hand when Geralt released it, giving it a surreptitious shake. Geralt’s lips quirked up slightly on one side.

“And what do you do, Geralt?” Valdo asked.

“Personal trainer. Let me know if you’d like my help,” Geralt said, glancing the other man up and down with scrutiny. Valdo’s cheeks coloured slightly. “I also teach horse back riding lessons.”

“Oh?” Valdo replied, his eyes wandering to Geralt’s impressively muscular arms.

“Yes,” Jaskier answered, “there’s something about a man riding a horse…”

“Is there?” Geralt asked, turning slightly towards Jaskier, amused. He slipped his hand from Jaskier’s and instead slid it around his waist. Valdo scowled.

“Mmhmm,” Jaskier answered, turning to face Geralt. He looked up into golden eyes and licked his lips. Those eyes flicked down to watch his tongue. “How’s that song go? Save a horse…”

Geralt abruptly pulled him in and mashed a kiss to his lips. Jaskier grinned into it, wrapping his arms around Geralt’s neck. Geralt’s arm tightened around his waist, and his tongue flicked out, running along Jaskier’s bottom lip. Jaskier groaned quietly, pressing closer to Geralt. Valdo cleared his throat, a scowl darkening his face. Not that anyone was looking in order to notice.

“Well, uh, it was… good to see you, Julian.”

Jaskier waved a hand at him without breaking from Geralt. Valdo spun on his heel and marched away towards the bar. When they paused for air, Geralt leaned his forehead on Jaskier’s.

“How long do we need to stay at this thing?” Geralt asked.

“Oh, I think we’ve shown our faces long enough.”

“I have some good whiskey back at my apartment that I’ve been meaning to break open…”

“ _Very_ interested in that idea!” Jaskier declared.

They made their way to the door, arms wrapped around each-others waists.

———

Text sent to Sexy Witch:

  * So, we don’t subscribe to that silly notion that ex’s are off-limits, right?



~~

  * …
  * You owe me a spa day. The works.



**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Your kudos and comments brighten my day 🌈💖  
> Check out my profile for more Witcher fics!  
> Find me on tumblr under stinawrites & stinastar


End file.
